Last week we all got dressed up and attended a wedding. We were one of a few families where the kids were invited to join the festivities. Our girls were the “oldest kids” in the room. They sat quietly during the ceremony, got their own dinner and danced all around the room.
There were three other co-workers there with little ones. We all sat at the same table for the dinner portion and my girls were having fun keeping the babies entertained. Three under two years old made for a busy table.
Three mothers trying to keep their squirmy babies still in their laps. Three fathers rummaging through diaper bags for snacks to keep babies occupied.
Mothers balancing babies and plates, trying to eat and prevent the plate from being thrown all at the same time. Drink cups being spilled.
More than once, I offered to help a mother out. Take a baby off their hands for a minute so they could eat. Sit my older child next to them to help entertain. Carry the baby so they could carry their plate of food. Each time I was given the same general response.
I’m good, I got it. Thanks, I’m good. Oh, I do this all the time.
I didn’t take the rejection personally but did think it was a little strange that not one of them took me up on my offer to help. I was literally sitting right next to them while my two girls were entertaining and feeding themselves.
It felt odd to just watch their struggles.
Public outings with a baby are always much harder than they appear. And they do appear challenging most of the time.
I wish I would have taken more people up on their offers to hold my baby. When I was overtired or dealing with a meltdown or just had my hands full.
Just like these moms, my first response was always no.
Looking back I have to wonder why
Why did I feel like I was the only one capable of holding the baby? Why did I feel judged when someone offered to help?
It didn’t matter if it was a family member at my home or a stranger at the airport. The immediate response was always no.
I never really even thought about their offer. It was my baby so my job was to do it all. Just me.
I didn’t know that it was ok to ask for help. To accept help when it was offered without me having to ask. That someone was genuinely trying to be nice when they offered to hold my baby girl for a minute so I could eat a meal. Or carry my grocery bags so I could push a stroller.
If only I could go back and do it over again, knowing what I know now.
A little change is good
Moms, here are four things you need to know when I offer to take a baby off your hands.
1. I don’t think you are doing a bad job
Just the opposite in fact. I am commiserating with you because I have absolutely been there and done that. I see you struggling and I can help so I am offering.
It’s not a backhanded attempt to show you how to do it better. Definitely not taking your baby away from you because it was in danger or out of control.
You might feel like my offer is an attack on your ability to mother properly but I assure you it is not. It’s just one experienced mother trying to help another. You are doing it right.
2. I don’t expect anything in return
Seriously. Nothing.
If I didn’t think I could be helpful to you, I wouldn’t offer. I am not keeping tallies on favors. My offer to help in a time when I think you could use a break is honestly just simply that. I see you need a hand and I have two of them and a few minutes to spare.
There are no hidden agendas. It’s called paying it forward.
3. I’m not going to steal your child
I have kids of my own and I most definitely don’t need yours. I’m as hesitant to offer my help to a stranger as you are to accept the help so let’s not make this more awkward. I will stand right next to you in the aisle while you quiet the screaming toddler in your cart. I will sit next to you while you eat your lunch.
No running off. I promise.
4. I might miss this
Not so much a crying baby but holding a baby in general. Mine are grown up a little now and don’t even think I’m all that fun to be around. They are too big to carry and make silly faces at. Plus they backtalk. A lot.
Your baby, even a fussy one, might just be fun for me to hold for a few minutes. Plus I know that sometimes all it takes is a different person for a baby to calm a bit. New faces, new energy, or a different view helps. You are too close to see it but moms around you know.
I try not to take it personally when I see a mom struggling and my offer to help gets turned down. I definitely remember what it felt like to be that mom.
When your first response is always “I’m fine” or “That’s ok, I’ve got it” because you just aren’t sure what to do.
Give yourself grace
You feel like you have to figure things out on your own. You aren’t wrong.
You do have a lot to figure out. But it’s also completely acceptable to take help from an extra set of hands when it’s offered. Those friends and family wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to truly be helpful.
This wedding reminded me that I probably owe some friends and family members apologies. I know I turned down many offers for help during the baby stage too.
Everything happens fast with babies. You have to adjust to an ever-changing environment.
One thing that remains consistent is that mothers of new babies never have enough hands. Next time someone offers to hold the baby for just a minute, give it a try. You might be surprised at how good it can feel to focus on something else for just a minute.
Mothers [some would argue all females] are terrible at asking for help. Don’t think of handing your baby to someone as asking. It’s just saying yes when help is offered to you.
I wish I would have said yes more often.
If you could go back in time and do something differently from when you were a new parent, what would it be?
