New moms are like sponges. Just trying to soak up every little bit of information to keep moving forward.
As a first-time mom, you can read all the books and articles you want but when you get home with your new baby, it seems sort of like all that info you took in goes out the window.
I cannot be the only new mom awake in the middle of the night cursing the what to expect books because whatever I was dealing with at that moment was definitely not covered in any chapter I read.
One big piece of info missing from my reading was how to handle some of those well-meaning but totally unsolicited comments that flood in when you are new to motherhood.
I had no idea that having a new baby would be an open invitation for every person I came across to get involved in my business.
Eleven years and two daughters later, I can look back on these moments and laugh. Only because I had to learn how to navigate these awkward conversations with random but well-meaning strangers. Or for some of you, maybe it was awkward conversations with passive-aggressive yet well-meaning family members.
And let me be very clear on something, just because my girls are a little older, doesn’t mean I’ve outgrown the criticisms or unsolicited advice. It sort of comes with the territory I suppose.
This is why I created this list of five unhelpful things people say to moms. It’s my hope that these will resonate with you no matter what stage of motherhood you find yourself.
#1: Enjoy every minute
Not sure about you but I don’t think anyone has ever said this to me when my kids are calm and enjoying a nice ride through Target in the cart. Not ever.
It’s always one of those days when they are yelling and I’m yelling and just trying to get what we need before someone has a major meltdown. Definitely not an enjoyable moment in my book.
I absolutely understand the sentiment and the meaning behind it. And there are plenty of moments to enjoy.
It doesn’t make you less of a mom if, in those moments, you just aren’t loving mom life. It happens to the best of us, especially during those rough seasons. And there are definitely a lot of those as they grow and change and you also grow and change. Not every minute is sunshine and rainbows.
It is okay to love your kids and be totally exhausted by them.
#2: It takes a village.
I actually do believe this is true. Motherhood is exponentially easier when you have a support system around you that you can rely on and trust. Not just for your children but for you as a person as well. I’m on board when it’s a commiserating comment from a girlfriend because we are each others village.
But again, do you ever hear this one said in the positive, encouraging way? I don’t.
I only hear it in that judgy or even passive-aggressive way that only women can do to each other. Sort of like saying call for reinforcements because clearly, your kids are a hot mess and you cant handle it.
My initial thought when a stranger throws this one at me is to ask for the phone number for that village.
Over the years we have moved further away from family so I do wish I had a big village to help out and support us. If you have a village, that is awesome. But not everyone likes the reminder it takes one to raise kids well.
#3: You can have it all
I’m not even sure I’ve heard this from a specific person in my life, as much as it’s a message imposed on mothers from social media and society in general. Honestly, who decides what all is? And why does this have to imply that I don’t have it all already?
As a working mom with a more than full time job outside the home, I find this one particularly grating. Telling me I can have it all really isnt helpful when I feel like there are a million things Im juggling in a given day.
I already feel Im walking this tightrope trying to be both a good mother and do a job I enjoy. You can tell me I can have it all but again, where is that instruction manual or support to help define what having it all means.
I truly think it means something different to everyone. My definition is probably different from yours. Please don’t tell me I can have it all if you aren’t going to follow it up with a serious discussion on what that means.
#4: Are the kids at daddy daycare
I will tell anyone who will listen that my husband, their father, is not a day care provider. He is a parent. He is a parent all, day, every day just like I am. It’s not something you can turn on and off when you want to or when it’s convenient.
To imply otherwise is not only unhelpful to a mom who is likely struggling with some guilt over being away from her family for whatever the reason is but its also unfair to the partnership.
I trust my husband has things under control when I’m away. I have to or I would go insane with guilt and worry. I wouldn’t be able to do my job or enjoy any form of alone time. I absolutely vote that no one asks a mom this unless you want a major eye roll coming you way.
#5: They look just like their dad
I guess its a compliment because they do share 50 % of his DNA. But seriously… what mom wants to hear that?
Their dad didn’t suffer through nine months of pregnancy. Or labor or two c-sections. Would it be so bad to come out looking just a little bit like mom? Ugh. Its seriously annoying how much they look like their dad.
There you have it, folks. My very own list of five unhelpful things said to mothers. All of which I have experienced but none of which will come out of my mouth to a fellow mother. Because I’m in the business of building moms up. And because I absolutely know how annoying and unhelpful these things truly are to hear.
You can only smile and nod so much. Or maybe you are more polite than I am. Either way, I hope this quick list made you laugh.
If you are still in the mom-brain-sponge state of motherhood, don’t worry. You will find your way soon and then will figure out that all the well-meaning advice is opinions and you have the freedom to take them or leave them.
Next time you see a fellow mom out and about with her kiddos, don’t forget to tell her she’s doing a great job. That is all we really want and need to hear.
